FFM-28

“It was a pretty average day. Not too hot, not too cold, not too windy, not too still. There were clouds, but not an extensive amount. And, of course, there was the sun.
But anyways, I was walking along when I saw a very large, very hairy tarantula-looking spider. I usually would have disregarded it, but this spider was around the size of a bulldog and a fluorescent, almost garish, red. It was because of these oddities that I stood very still for several minutes staring at the spider, watching the spider stare back at me. In hindsight, it was rude, but with the state of shock I was in at seeing a giant bright red spider on the sidewalk, I think I can be forgiven. I was even more shocked when the spider said (using telepathy, I suppose), “You, plebeian, are very rude.”
“Well, calling someone plebeian is also very rude,” I replied, slightly angry that a spider had call me “plebeian.”
“Yes, well, that’s not the matter now is it?”
I shrugged. Even now I am amazed at how lucid my thoughts were (I suppose, having stared at the spider for several minutes, my mind had accepted the idea that I was still firmly planted in reality). “I don’t know, what is the matter?”
“Well,” the spider said. “I’m from Mars, and I’m currently researching the humans from earth. The only matter now is I cannot tell whether you are a male or a female.”
I frowned at his comment. “You’re a spider from Mars?” I asked.
The spider seemed a tad bit disapproving. “No, that’s ridiculous. I’m obviously a regular alien from Mars, only posing as a giant red spider on Earth. I have to blend in, you know.”
“You’re doing a horrible job of it,” I replied. “And if you’re an alien, is all the stuff about advanced technology and rayguns and stuff true?”
“Also ridiculous,” said the alien-spider condescendingly. “You humans make up all these preposterous assumptions about each other, yet you somehow think you’ll be correct about an entirely different planet’s culture and technology? Honestly, I won’t ever know why we bother protecting humans from the Venus colonists. In my opinion, as long as they keep the natural wildlife intact, they can do whatever they please with humans.”
“That seems a bit harsh,” I said. “Probably true, but still harsh. Aren’t we at least a little bit interesting enough to keep around, if just to study?”
“Well, no, not really,” replied the spidery alien. “We already know of several hundred species just like humans. If anything, we could just as easily use dolphins to emulate your behaviours. Without them having thumbs, they may not be able to build such ridiculous things, but humans could easily be here today and gone tomorrow without being missed much. Except maybe by your pets.”
I paused for a few moments after his long paragraph, thinking hard about all that he had said.
After about a minute of my inability to come up with a comprehensible answer, the disguised alien sighed, sounding extremely disappointed. “The unfortunate thing is that you humans are unable to comprehend your own worthlessness,” he said before calmly walking away.
I will never forget that alien spider.”
“Grandpa!” Timmy said. “You’re just making that up!”
The old man shook his head with a small sad smile. “I wish I was.”